HORRORscopes for the week of Jul 10, 2023

Aries: Well, well, well, Aries. Brace yourself for another week of reckless decisions and impulsive actions. You may think you’re being bold and daring, but in reality, you’re just setting yourself up for disaster. Remember, it’s not about winning or losing, it’s about how many people you annoy along the way.

Taurus: Oh, dear Taurus, your stubbornness knows no bounds. This week, your determination to cling onto your outdated beliefs will only lead to frustration and missed opportunities. Embrace change for once, or continue your slow and painful journey towards irrelevance. The choice is yours.

Gemini: Gemini, your dual personality is truly a gift that keeps on giving. Unfortunately, it also keeps on confusing everyone around you. This week, expect to be caught up in a whirlwind of contradictions and mixed signals. Just remember, being indecisive is a surefire way to never get anything done.

Cancer: Ah, Cancer, the eternal emotional rollercoaster. Get ready for another week of mood swings and overreactions. Perhaps it’s time to invest in some therapy, or at least a punching bag, to help you cope with the tidal waves of your emotions. Just a suggestion.

Leo: Oh, Leo, the world is just not ready for your overwhelming ego this week. Your need for constant attention and admiration will only result in eye-rolls and exasperated sighs from those around you. Take a step back and realize that not everything is about you. Shocking, I know.

Virgo: Virgo, you perfectionist soul, this week will be filled with disappointment as nothing seems to live up to your impossibly high standards. Instead of obsessing over every tiny flaw, try embracing imperfections and learn to go with the flow. It won’t be easy, but it might save you from a lifetime of stress.

Libra: Libra, your constant need for balance and harmony will be sorely tested this week. Prepare yourself for conflicts and disagreements that will throw you off balance. Remember, life isn’t always fair, and no amount of negotiating or compromising will change that. Good luck!

Scorpio: Scorpio, your intense and secretive nature will be your downfall this week. Your suspicious mind will lead you down a path of paranoia and mistrust, alienating those closest to you. Take a deep breath and try to let go of your need to control everything. It’s not healthy for you or anyone else.

Sagittarius: Sagittarius, your restless spirit is always seeking adventure, but this week, it seems adventure will find you instead. Unfortunately, it will come in the form of inconvenience and chaos. So, buckle up and prepare for a wild ride filled with missed flights, lost luggage, and unexpected detours. Fun, right?

Capricorn: Capricorn, your never-ending pursuit of success will leave you feeling empty and unfulfilled yet again this week. Take a moment to step back and question whether climbing that corporate ladder is really worth sacrificing your happiness and relationships. Spoiler alert: it’s not.

Aquarius: Oh, Aquarius, your eccentricity and unpredictability are truly something to behold. Unfortunately, this week, it will only serve to alienate you further from the mainstream. Don’t be surprised if people give you puzzled looks or avoid you altogether. Embrace your weirdness, or prepare for a lonely existence.

Pisces: Pisces, your dreamy and imaginative nature often serves as an escape from reality. However, this week, reality will come crashing down on you like a ton of bricks. Prepare for disappointments, failed expectations, and a general feeling of being lost. But hey, at least you have your daydreams, right?