HORRORscopes for the week of Dec 25, 2023

Aries (March 21 – April 19): You’re in for an exciting month, Aries! Unfortunately, I don’t mean exciting in a good way. Brace yourself for a rollercoaster ride of frustration, disappointment, and missed opportunities. Just remember, it’s not your fault that the universe seems to have a personal vendetta against you.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): This month, Taurus, expect nothing but mediocrity. Your goals will remain out of reach, and your efforts will go unnoticed by everyone around you. It’s as if the cosmos wants to remind you that you’re just a small, insignificant speck in the grand scheme of things. Chin up!

Gemini (May 21 – June 20): Oh, Gemini. Your ever-changing moods and indecisiveness will continue to drive everyone crazy this month. Your relationships will suffer, and your friends will question why they even bother with you. Remember, there’s no such thing as a perfect soulmate. Or even a decent one, for that matter.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22): Get ready for an emotional rollercoaster, Cancer! But don’t worry, it’s not the fun kind. This month, you’ll experience a series of disappointments that will leave you questioning your own existence. Just when you think things couldn’t get worse, they will. Enjoy the ride!

Leo (July 23 – August 22): It’s all about you, Leo! Well, at least in your own mind. This month, your arrogance will reach new heights, alienating everyone around you. Your attempts to be the center of attention will fall flat, leaving you feeling utterly unimportant. But hey, who needs friends when you have a mirror?

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Your perfectionist tendencies will be put to the test this month, Virgo. Spoiler alert: you won’t succeed. No matter how hard you try, something will always go wrong. So, go ahead and obsess over every minor detail. Just know that it won’t make a difference in the end.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): Ah, Libra, your constant need for balance and harmony will be thoroughly disrupted this month. Prepare for chaos and conflict in all areas of your life. Your attempts to keep everyone happy will be in vain, as people will continue to disappoint you. Looks like it’s time to embrace the chaos!

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Your secretive nature will be tested, Scorpio. Expect your deepest, darkest secrets to be exposed for all to see. And no, it won’t be in some dramatic, exciting way. It’ll most likely be through an embarrassing social media mishap or a slip of the tongue at a family gathering. Enjoy the humiliation!

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Your wanderlust and desire for adventure will be met with disappointment this month, Sagittarius. Your travel plans will fall through, and your dreams of exploring new horizons will remain just that: dreams. But hey, who needs to see the world when you can just Google it, right?

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Your ambition and desire for success will be met with a resounding “meh” this month, Capricorn. No matter how hard you work, it’ll feel like you’re going nowhere. Your goals will remain out of reach, and your efforts will be met with indifference. Time to reevaluate those life choices!

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): This month, your rebellious spirit will clash with the status quo, Aquarius. Unfortunately, your attempts to change the world will be met with apathy and resistance. So, go ahead and fight the good fight. Just don’t expect anyone to join you on your quest for justice and equality.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Your dreamy nature will lead you on a wild goose chase this month, Pisces. Your imagination will run wild, but your fantasies will remain just that: fantasies. Reality will slap you in the face, reminding you that life is far from the fairy tale you envision. Time to wake up and smell the disappointment!