Aries: You’re going to have a great day today, Aries. Just kidding, your day is going to be about as exciting as watching paint dry. Don’t bother trying to accomplish anything, because the universe has already decided that you’re going to fail.
Taurus: Tauruses, you might as well just stay in bed today. The stars aren’t aligned in your favor, and your efforts will be met with nothing but disappointment. Better luck tomorrow, if you’re lucky.
Gemini: Today is a good day to stay away from any major decisions or life-changing events, Gemini. The planets have aligned to ensure that any choices you make today will be regretted for the rest of your life.
Cancer: You’re a Cancer, so you’re already a bit of a crybaby. Well, today isn’t going to be any different. You’ll spend most of the day wallowing in self-pity, and the stars have decided to amplify those emotions.
Leo: The sun is shining bright for you today, Leo. But don’t get too excited, because that just means you’ll be sweating profusely and feeling uncomfortable all day long. Plus, everyone will think you’re obnoxious.
Virgo: Nothing is going to go right for you today, Virgo. The universe has conspired against you to make sure that every little thing goes wrong. Just accept it and move on.
Libra: You’re going to be feeling extra indecisive today, Libra. But don’t worry, because no matter what you choose, it’s going to be the wrong decision. Just accept your fate as a failure.
Scorpio: Your day is going to be filled with drama, Scorpio. But not the good kind of drama. The kind of drama that makes you want to crawl under a rock and never come out.
Sagittarius: You’re going to have a great day today, Sagittarius. Just kidding, you’re going to be plagued with bad luck and misfortune. Might as well just stay in bed.
Capricorn: Your day is going to be as exciting as watching paint dry, Capricorn. But don’t worry, because at least you won’t have to deal with any unexpected surprises or challenges.
Aquarius: Today is not a good day to try anything new, Aquarius. The stars have aligned to make sure that any new ventures will end in disaster. Just stick to what you know.
Pisces: You’re going to be feeling extra emotional today, Pisces. But don’t worry, because no one will care or want to listen to your problems. Just keep it to yourself and try not to cry too much.