Aries: Congratulations, Aries! You’ll have a fantastic day today…if you consider getting stuck in traffic, spilling coffee on your shirt, and forgetting your lunch fantastic.
Taurus: Today, Taurus, you’ll finally realize that the saying “money can’t buy happiness” is true. Unfortunately, you’ll also realize that it can buy a lot of other things you don’t need.
Gemini: Today is a good day to put your communication skills to the test, Gemini. Try telling your boss that you’re going to be late because your cat wouldn’t let you leave the house this morning.
Cancer: You’ll be feeling extra emotional today, Cancer. But don’t worry, it’s just the universe’s way of reminding you that you’re still single.
Leo: Today you’ll feel the urge to be the center of attention, Leo. But be warned, the only attention you’ll be getting is from your coworkers when you accidentally send an embarrassing email to the entire company.
Virgo: You’ll be feeling extra organized and productive today, Virgo. Unfortunately, no one else will be, and you’ll spend the day waiting for them to catch up.
Libra: Today is a good day to practice your diplomacy skills, Libra. Try telling your friend that their new haircut looks…unique.
Scorpio: You’ll be feeling extra mysterious today, Scorpio. But don’t worry, no one cares enough to try and solve your mystery.
Sagittarius: Today you’ll feel the urge to go on an adventure, Sagittarius. But unfortunately, the only adventure you’ll have is trying to find your misplaced keys.
Capricorn: You’ll be feeling extra ambitious today, Capricorn. But be warned, your coworkers will only see it as you trying to show them up.
Aquarius: Today is a good day to embrace your individuality, Aquarius. Just don’t be surprised when everyone else thinks you’re weird.
Pisces: You’ll be feeling extra creative today, Pisces. But unfortunately, your boss won’t appreciate your new idea to replace the office chairs with bean bags.