HORRORscopes for the week of Apr 17, 2023

Aries: You will feel the weight of the world on your shoulders this week, but don’t worry – it’s just your crippling anxiety. No need to take any risks or make bold moves, just stay in bed and binge-watch Netflix.

Taurus: This week, you will be hit with a sudden realization that your life is just a meaningless cycle of work, eat, sleep, repeat. Don’t worry, you’re not alone. Just keep chugging that coffee and try not to think about all the things you’re missing out on.

Gemini: Your indecisiveness will reach new heights this week, leaving you feeling like you’re stuck in a never-ending game of “Would You Rather?” Unfortunately, there are no right answers, only more disappointing outcomes.

Cancer: Your emotional state will be all over the place this week, but don’t worry – it’s not like anyone else really cares. Just remember to put on a brave face and pretend everything is fine.

Leo: This week, your ego will be bruised when you realize that no, not everyone thinks you’re the greatest thing since sliced bread. It’s okay though, just keep telling yourself that their opinion doesn’t matter (even though it totally does).

Virgo: Your perfectionism will be put to the test this week, but unfortunately, life is far from perfect. You can try to control every little detail, but in the end, it’s all just chaos and disappointment.

Libra: This week, you’ll be reminded that life isn’t fair and sometimes bad things happen to good people. But hey, at least you have a good support system of friends and family to complain to.

Scorpio: Your suspicious nature will be in overdrive this week, leaving you convinced that everyone is out to get you. Maybe they are, maybe they aren’t, but either way, it’s not like you can trust anyone anyway.

Sagittarius: This week, your wanderlust will be at an all-time high, but unfortunately, your bank account won’t be able to keep up. Maybe take a walk around the block instead of booking that expensive vacation.

Capricorn: Your workaholic tendencies will be in full force this week, leaving you with little time for anything else. But hey, at least you’ll be making money (even if it’s at the expense of your mental health).

Aquarius: Your rebellious nature will be tested this week, but unfortunately, there’s not really anything left to rebel against. You can try to fight the system, but in the end, the system always wins.

Pisces: This week, your dreamy nature will be shattered when you realize that life is nothing like the movies. No grand romantic gestures, no dramatic plot twists, just the mundane everyday grind. But hey, at least you have your imagination.