HORRORscopes for the week of May 1, 2023

Aries: Congratulations, Aries! This week is going to be just as disappointing as the last one. Your fiery energy will continue to be extinguished by the mundane tasks of daily life. But hey, at least your impatience will make the time fly by, right?

Taurus: Don’t even bother trying to make plans this week, Taurus. Nothing will go according to plan anyways. Instead, embrace the chaos and watch as your carefully crafted to-do list crumbles before your very eyes. Oh, and don’t forget to indulge in some comfort food to ease the pain.

Gemini: Your indecisiveness will continue to haunt you this week, Gemini. Every decision will feel like a life or death situation, but in reality, it won’t matter in the grand scheme of things. So go ahead, flip a coin or consult a Magic 8 Ball – it’s all the same in the end.

Cancer: Your moodiness will be in full swing this week, Cancer. One minute you’ll be feeling great, and the next you’ll be sobbing over a sad commercial on TV. Embrace the emotional roller coaster and remember that chocolate always helps.

Leo: Your need for attention will go unfulfilled this week, Leo. No matter how hard you try, nobody will be impressed by your latest accomplishment. But don’t worry, there’s always next week to try again.

Virgo: Your perfectionism will continue to hold you back this week, Virgo. Instead of striving for excellence, try settling for mediocrity. It’s not so bad, really.

Libra: Your constant need for balance and harmony will be disrupted this week, Libra. Chaos will reign supreme, and you’ll feel like you’re constantly putting out fires. Just remember, it could always be worse.

Scorpio: Your suspicious nature will be in overdrive this week, Scorpio. Every little thing will seem like a conspiracy against you. But don’t worry, nobody is out to get you – they’re all just too busy worrying about themselves.

Sagittarius: Your wanderlust will go unfulfilled this week, Sagittarius. No exotic vacations or spontaneous road trips for you. Instead, you’ll be stuck in the same old routine. But hey, at least you can daydream about your next adventure.

Capricorn: Your workaholic tendencies will continue to dominate your life this week, Capricorn. You’ll be so focused on your career that you’ll forget to have a life outside of work. But hey, at least you’re getting that promotion, right?

Aquarius: Your rebellious spirit will be tamed this week, Aquarius. Instead of fighting the system, you’ll find yourself conforming to societal norms. But don’t worry, you can always dye your hair a crazy color to feel like a rebel again.

Pisces: Your dreamy nature will be shattered this week, Pisces. Reality will hit you like a ton of bricks, and you’ll realize that your fantasies are just that – fantasies. But hey, at least you have a vivid imagination.