HORRORscopes for the week of June 5, 2023

Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19): Honestly, Aries, I suggest you buckle up. Mars is in retrograde, and your usually “bold” spirit will more likely resemble a chicken crossing the road. Keep away from fire – both literally and metaphorically – unless you feel like getting burnt.

Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20): This week, Venus, your ruling planet, is hiding behind the moon. So take a hint, Taurus, and keep a low profile. Your stubbornness might just meet its match, most likely in the form of a self-checkout machine.

Gemini (May 21 – Jun 20): Ah Gemini, the universe has really outdone itself this time. Expect your decision-making skills to dwindle to that of a squirrel crossing the street. You’ve been warned.

Cancer (Jun 21 – Jul 22): The stars suggest that you should stick to your shell this week, Cancer. Trust me, the world isn’t ready for your extra ‘crabbiness’. Even your usual homebody life might feel like a test of patience.

Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 22): Leo, even the sun is tired of your constant need for attention. But don’t worry, you’ll still get noticed…when you trip over your own ego. Just sayin’.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22): The planets are aligned in a way that suggests you might want to double check everything, Virgo. Wait, isn’t that what you always do? Well, now you have to triple check.

Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 22): Dear Libra, please, do us all a favor and stop trying to please everyone. It’s exhausting to watch, and you’re not a circus act. Oh, and balance? You’ll find that in a yoga class, not in your life this week.

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21): As the most intense of the zodiac, Scorpio, your luck is about as stable as a game of Jenga being played on a seesaw. But at least you have your trust issues to keep you company.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21): You know that adventure you crave, Sagittarius? The one where you gallivant across the globe, discovering hidden gems and yourself? Yeah, not happening. Maybe stick to the adventure of finding matching socks.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19): Capricorn, you’re working hard, climbing that mountain, but guess what? You’ve been on a treadmill this whole time. And that’s okay, just keep marching to the beat of your out-of-sync drum.

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18): Oh Aquarius, always the visionary. But unfortunately, your visions this week will be as clear as a foggy winter’s morning. Stick to cloud watching, you might find some inspiration there.

Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20): Neptune is spinning backwards, and so too will your life this week, Pisces. Emotional rollercoaster ahead, but don’t worry, it only feels like it’s going off the rails.