HORRORscopes for the week of Jul 3, 2023

Aries (March 21 – April 19):
Well, well, well, Aries. You’re in for a treat this month. Brace yourself for a series of disappointments and missed opportunities. It seems like the universe is conspiring against you, but hey, at least you’re used to it. Remember, failure is just another stepping stone on the path of mediocrity.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20):
Oh, Taurus. Your determination and stubbornness will surely pay off this month. Just kidding! Your efforts will likely go unnoticed, and your plans will crumble like a stale cookie. But don’t worry, there’s always next month to be disappointed all over again.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20):
Gemini, your indecisiveness will reach new heights this month. You’ll struggle to make even the simplest choices, like what color socks to wear or whether to have cereal or toast for breakfast. Spoiler alert: you’ll end up wearing mismatched socks and burning your toast. Good luck!

Cancer (June 21 – July 22):
Dear Cancer, this month will be an emotional rollercoaster for you. Get ready for tears, drama, and unnecessary outbursts. Your mood swings will rival a pendulum, and those around you will walk on eggshells. Remember, misery loves company.

Leo (July 23 – August 22):
Leo, your desire for attention will be at an all-time high this month. Unfortunately, the spotlight will evade you like a sneaky cat avoiding a bath. Your attempts to shine will go largely unnoticed, leaving you feeling unappreciated. But hey, at least your hair will look great!

Virgo (August 23 – September 22):
Virgo, your perfectionist tendencies will be put to the test this month. Spoiler alert: nothing will ever be perfect enough for you. Your critical eye will find flaws in everything and everyone, including yourself. Embrace the chaos, because perfection is a myth.

Libra (September 23 – October 22):
Libra, your search for balance and harmony will be in vain this month. Life will throw curveballs at you left and right, leaving you feeling off-kilter and unsteady. Your attempts to find peace will be about as successful as finding a unicorn riding a rainbow. Keep dreaming!

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21):
Scorpio, your suspicious nature will be on high alert this month. You’ll see hidden motives and conspiracies everywhere you turn, even in the most innocent of situations. It’s time to relax and let go of your paranoia. Trust me, no one is out to get you… probably.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21):
Oh, Sagittarius. Your wanderlust will be met with a series of travel mishaps and canceled plans. The universe seems to have a twisted sense of humor, and it’s laughing at your desire for adventure. But hey, at least you can explore the world through Google Earth, right?

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19):
Capricorn, your ambitious nature will hit a roadblock this month. Your plans for world domination will crumble like a sandcastle at high tide. It’s time to reassess your goals and maybe lower your expectations a tad. Remember, Rome wasn’t built in a day, but it did eventually fall.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18):
Aquarius, your rebellious spirit will clash with the mundane realities of life this month. Your attempts to stand out and be unique will be met with eye rolls and sighs of exasperation. Embrace your inner weirdness, even if it means spending Saturday nights alone with your collection of vintage socks.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20):
Pisces, your dreamy nature will collide with the harsh realities of the world this month. Your head will be in the clouds, while your feet stumble over obstacles. It’s time to come back to earth and face the fact that unicorns aren’t real, and fairy tales rarely come true.