HORRORscopes for the week of Jul 17, 2023

Aries: Buckle up, Aries, because this week is going to be a wild ride! Unfortunately, it’s not the exciting rollercoaster kind of wild ride, but more like the bumpy, uncomfortable bus ride where the air conditioning is broken and the person next to you won’t stop talking about their cat’s ear infections. Just when you think it can’t get any worse, it probably will. Good luck!

Taurus: Oh, Taurus, your stubborn nature might serve you well this week because everything else will be a total disaster. Your plans will crumble, your relationships will falter, and your favorite comfort food will mysteriously go out of stock. It’s like the universe is playing a cruel joke on you, and unfortunately, you’re the punchline. Don’t worry, though, because it’s all downhill from here.

Gemini: Brace yourself, Gemini, because this week is going to be a whirlwind of confusion and miscommunication. Your friends will constantly misunderstand your intentions, your boss will think you’re slacking off, and your significant other will accuse you of forgetting their birthday (even if it’s not for another six months). It’s like you’re speaking a different language, and that language is called “total disaster.”

Cancer: Oh, dear Cancer, this week is going to be an emotional rollercoaster for you. And I don’t mean the thrilling kind of rollercoaster, but more like the one that makes you regret eating that extra funnel cake before getting on. Your moods will swing from deep despair to inexplicable anger, leaving you and everyone around you utterly confused. Just remember to buckle up and keep a barf bag handy.

Leo: Prepare to have your ego deflated, Leo, because this week, the universe is determined to knock you down a few notches. Your brilliant ideas will be ignored, your charisma will fall flat, and your attempts at impressing others will end in embarrassment. It’s like you’re starring in a tragic comedy, and the punchlines are all aimed at you. Take a deep breath and remember that humility is a virtue (or so they say).

Virgo: Get ready for a week of chaos and disorder, Virgo. Your perfectly color-coded schedule will be thrown out the window, your to-do list will grow longer by the minute, and don’t even get me started on your meticulously organized sock drawer. It’s like the universe is conspiring against your need for control and order. Embrace the messiness, or at least try to survive it.

Libra: Brace yourself, Libra, because this week is going to test your ability to maintain balance in the face of utter chaos. Your relationships will be filled with drama, your decisions will be met with disapproval, and your attempts to find harmony will end in frustration. It’s like you’re stuck in a never-ending seesaw, constantly being tossed between extremes. Just remember, life is all about finding the middle ground (even if it seems impossible right now).

Scorpio: Get ready for a week of intense emotional turmoil, Scorpio. Your trust will be betrayed, your secrets will be exposed, and your attempts at maintaining a mysterious aura will crumble like a poorly constructed sandcastle. It’s like the universe is determined to make you feel vulnerable and exposed. Embrace the discomfort, or at least make sure your emotional armor is ready for battle.

Sagittarius: This week, Sagittarius, you’ll feel like you’re trapped in a never-ending game of hide-and-seek. Your adventurous spirit will be stifled, your travel plans will be thwarted, and even your attempts to escape reality through daydreaming will be interrupted by pesky responsibilities. It’s like the universe wants to keep you grounded, even if your heart longs for the skies. Good luck finding a hiding spot that won’t be discovered.

Capricorn: Brace yourself, Capricorn, because this week will be a never-ending uphill battle. Your goals will seem impossible to achieve, your hard work will go unnoticed, and your attempts at climbing the ladder of success will be met with setback after setback. It’s like the universe wants to test your perseverance and determination. Just remember, even if you don’t reach the top, at least you’ll get some nice calf muscles from all that climbing.

Aquarius: Prepare for a week filled with frustration and confusion, Aquarius. Your brilliant ideas will be met with resistance, your attempts at social change will be met with indifference, and even your efforts to be unique and different will be misunderstood. It’s like the universe is determined to keep you boxed in, even if you’re desperate to break free. Embrace the irony, or at least find solace in the fact that you’re ahead of your time.

Pisces: Oh, dear Pisces, get ready for a week of disappointment and disillusionment. Your dreams will feel out of reach, your creative endeavors will fall flat, and even your attempts to escape reality through daydreaming will be interrupted by mundane responsibilities. It’s like the universe wants to remind you that life is not a fairytale. Just keep swimming, or at least try not to drown in your own tears.