HORRORscopes for the week of Jul 24, 2023

Aries (March 21 – April 19):
Well, well, well, Aries, another day filled with endless possibilities… or not. Brace yourself for a week of disappointments and missed opportunities. Your impulsive nature will lead you straight into trouble, and your fiery temper will only make things worse. Remember, life is a constant uphill battle, and you, my dear Aries, are wearing roller skates.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20):
Oh, Taurus, you stubborn creature. This week, your determination will be put to the test. Unfortunately, it will be tested in the most mundane and uninspiring ways. Your love for comfort will lead to a series of Netflix binges, while the world outside is passing you by. Embrace your laziness, but don’t expect any miracles to happen.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20):
Dear Gemini, you are the epitome of duality, a constant whirlwind of confusion. This week, your scatter-brained nature will reach new heights, leaving you feeling overwhelmed and utterly lost. Your inability to make decisions will only lead to frustration, so sit back, relax, and let life happen… or not. Who knows?

Cancer (June 21 – July 22):
Ah, Cancer, the emotional rollercoaster of the zodiac. Brace yourself for a week filled with tears, overthinking, and unnecessary drama. Your sensitivity will be your downfall, as you find yourself crying over spilled milk (literally and metaphorically). Remember, life is tough, but so are you… in your own weepy way.

Leo (July 23 – August 22):
Oh, Leo, the majestic lion. This week, your ego will be put to the test. Your desperate need for attention and admiration will leave you feeling unfulfilled and craving more. Unfortunately, the world doesn’t revolve around you, my dear Leo. So, sit down, take a deep breath, and let someone else shine for a change.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22):
Virgo, the perfectionist of the zodiac. This week, your need for order and control will be shattered. Life will throw curveballs at you left and right, leaving you feeling frustrated and out of your element. Embrace the chaos, dear Virgo, because sometimes the best things happen when you least expect them… or so they say.

Libra (September 23 – October 22):
Dear Libra, the eternal peacemaker. This week, your indecisiveness will reach new heights. Your constant desire to please everyone will leave you feeling exhausted and utterly confused. Remember, you can’t make everyone happy, so why not take a break and make yourself happy for once? Just a thought.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21):
Ah, Scorpio, the mysterious and intense one. Brace yourself for a week filled with suspicious glares and deep-seated paranoia. Your suspicious nature will lead you to question everyone’s intentions, even your closest friends and family. Remember, trust is overrated, and everyone is probably out to get you.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21):
Sagittarius, the wanderer. This week, your restless nature will reach new heights. Your desire for adventure will lead you to new places, but unfortunately, your lack of planning will leave you stranded and frustrated. So, pack your bags, embark on that spontaneous trip, and hope for the best… or prepare for the worst.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19):
Oh, Capricorn, the workaholic of the zodiac. This week, your dedication to your career will reach unhealthy levels. Your relentless pursuit of success will leave you feeling empty and disconnected from the world around you. Remember, life is not just about work, so take a break and maybe have a little fun… if you remember how.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18):
Aquarius, the rebel with a cause. This week, your eccentricity will be on full display. Your unique way of thinking will leave those around you scratching their heads and questioning your sanity. Embrace your weirdness, dear Aquarius, because being “normal” is highly overrated… or so you keep telling yourself.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20):
Ah, Pisces, the dreamer of the zodiac. Brace yourself for a week filled with unrealistic expectations and shattered dreams. Your idealistic nature will leave you feeling disappointed and longing for something more. Remember, life is not a fairytale, and you are not a mermaid. Dive into reality, my dear Pisces, even if it’s a bit less magical.