HORRORscopes for the week of Dec 4, 2023

Aries (March 21 – April 19):
Congratulations, Aries! This month, you will experience a multitude of obstacles and setbacks that will make you question your every decision. Your impulsive nature will lead you to make hasty choices that will inevitably end in disaster. Don’t worry, though, it’s not like anyone expected you to succeed anyway. Keep your expectations low, as disappointment is your constant companion.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20):
Ah, Taurus, the embodiment of stubbornness. This month, your bull-headedness will reach new heights, causing tension in all your relationships. Your inability to compromise will lead to arguments and a complete lack of progress. Your dreams of success will remain just that – dreams. Better luck next time (but let’s be honest, you’ll need it).

Gemini (May 21 – June 20):
Gemini, your indecisiveness will be on full display this month. You will find yourself torn between multiple options, unable to make a choice. This will lead to missed opportunities and a general sense of confusion. Your inability to commit to anything will leave those around you frustrated and exhausted. Perhaps it’s time to stick with one thing for once, but who are we kidding – that’s not going to happen.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22):
Cancer, get ready for an emotional rollercoaster this month. Your over-sensitivity will lead to unnecessary drama and hurt feelings. Your constant need for validation will leave you feeling empty and unfulfilled. Don’t worry, though, because your tendency to hide in your shell will keep you safe from any real progress or growth.

Leo (July 23 – August 22):
Leo, your need for attention will be at an all-time high this month. You will go to great lengths to be the center of everyone’s universe, but unfortunately, your efforts will be in vain. Your over-the-top charisma will be met with eye rolls and indifference. Remember, not everyone finds your self-absorption as endearing as you do.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22):
Virgo, your perfectionism will reach new heights this month. Your obsession with details will consume you, leaving no room for enjoyment or relaxation. Your constant need for order will drive those around you crazy. Let’s face it, no one likes a control freak. Learn to embrace the chaos, because perfection is an illusion.

Libra (September 23 – October 22):
Libra, your desire for balance and harmony will be shattered this month. Your inability to make decisions will leave you feeling overwhelmed and frustrated. Your constant need to please everyone will lead to your own unhappiness. Remember, it’s okay to put yourself first sometimes – not that anyone will notice or care.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21):
Scorpio, your mysterious nature will be on full display this month. Unfortunately, no one really cares about your secrets. Your intense and brooding persona will only push people away. Your obsessive nature will make you come across as creepy rather than intriguing. Maybe it’s time to lighten up a little – but who are we kidding, that’s not going to happen.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21):
Sagittarius, your restless nature will be in full swing this month. Your constant need for adventure will leave you feeling unsatisfied with your current situation. Your inability to commit will prevent any real progress or meaningful connections. Maybe it’s time to stop running away from your problems, but let’s be honest, you won’t take that advice.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19):
Capricorn, your ambitious nature will be met with disappointment this month. Your relentless pursuit of success will leave you feeling empty and burnt out. Your obsession with work will strain your relationships and leave you feeling isolated. Remember, life is about more than just climbing the ladder – not that you’ll listen.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18):
Aquarius, your rebellious spirit will be on full display this month. Your need to go against the grain will lead to conflict and alienation. Your constant need to be different will make it difficult for others to relate to you. Maybe it’s time to try fitting in for once, but let’s be honest – that’s not your style.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20):
Pisces, your dreamy nature will leave you feeling disconnected from reality this month. Your tendency to escape into your own world will prevent you from making any real progress. Your emotional sensitivity will leave you vulnerable to manipulation. Maybe it’s time to face the real world, but who are we kidding – you’ll just retreat further into your fantasies.