HORRORscopes for the week of Aug 14, 2023

Aries (March 21 – April 19): Brace yourself, Aries, because this week is going to be anything but smooth sailing. You will encounter endless roadblocks and obstacles that will make you question your own existence. Just remember, no matter how hard you try, you will always manage to mess things up. So, why bother?

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Oh Taurus, you stubborn creature. This week, your bull-headed nature will lead you straight into disaster. Your plans will crumble, your relationships will fall apart, and your bank account will dwindle. But hey, at least you can take solace in the fact that you were right about everything, right?

Gemini (May 21 – June 20): Ah, the ever-changing Gemini. This week, your dual personalities will clash, leaving you in a state of utter confusion. It’s as if the universe is playing a cruel joke on you, forcing you to make decisions that you’ll inevitably regret. Just remember, no matter what you choose, it’s probably the wrong option.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22): Dear Cancer, prepare yourself for a week of emotional turmoil. Your hypersensitivity will be at an all-time high, making you prone to tears, overreactions, and dramatic outbursts. Who needs stability and rationality when you can drown in a sea of your own tears, right?

Leo (July 23 – August 22): Oh Leo, the world revolves around you, or so you think. This week, your need for attention will reach new heights, leaving everyone around you utterly exhausted. Don’t be surprised if people start rolling their eyes every time you open your mouth. Maybe it’s time to tone down the self-importance a notch or two?

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Virgo, the perfectionist of the zodiac. This week, your quest for flawlessness will leave you feeling utterly frustrated and disappointed. No matter how hard you strive for perfection, you will always fall short. So, why not embrace the chaos and let yourself make a few mistakes for a change?

Libra (September 23 – October 22): Ah, Libra, the eternal peacemaker. This week, your inability to make decisions will drive everyone around you insane. Your constant need for balance and harmony will only lead to chaos and frustration. Maybe it’s time to pick a side and stick with it, even if it means upsetting someone?

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Scorpio, your intensity knows no bounds. This week, your suspicious nature will lead you down a rabbit hole of conspiracy theories and paranoia. Trust no one, question everything, and prepare for a week of sleepless nights and endless overthinking. Fun times ahead!

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Sagittarius, the eternal wanderer. This week, your restless nature will leave you feeling unsatisfied and unfulfilled. No matter how many adventures you embark on, you’ll always be left longing for something more. Perhaps it’s time to settle down and face the reality that life is just a series of disappointments?

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Oh Capricorn, the workaholic of the zodiac. This week, your relentless pursuit of success will leave you feeling utterly drained and unappreciated. No matter how hard you work, it’s never enough. So, why not throw in the towel and embrace a life of mediocrity? It’s much less stressful.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Aquarius, the ever-rebellious spirit. This week, your need for independence will clash with your desire for social acceptance. No matter how hard you try to fit in, you’ll always feel like an outsider. So, why bother conforming when you’re destined to be an outcast anyway?

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Oh Pisces, the dreamer of the zodiac. This week, your overactive imagination will lead you astray. You’ll find yourself lost in a sea of fantasies and unrealistic expectations. Maybe it’s time to wake up from your dream world and face the harsh realities of life? Just a thought.