HORRORscopes for the week of Aug 28, 2023

Aries (March 21 – April 19):
Well, well, well, Aries. Brace yourself for a month filled with frustration and disappointment. Your impulsive nature will lead you into countless regrettable situations, leaving you wondering why you can’t seem to get anything right. Your energy and enthusiasm will be met with indifference from others, making you question whether you’re actually as amazing as you think you are. Spoiler alert: you’re not.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20):
Dear Taurus, this month is all about embracing your stubbornness to the fullest. Unfortunately, it won’t get you very far. Your refusal to adapt and change will leave you stuck in a rut, while everyone else moves forward. Your laziness will be at an all-time high, making it nearly impossible for you to accomplish anything worthwhile. Enjoy your month of mediocrity!

Gemini (May 21 – June 20):
Oh Gemini, your indecisiveness will reach new heights this month. You’ll find yourself stuck in a constant state of confusion, unable to make even the simplest choices. Your dual personality will cause you to contradict yourself at every turn, leaving those around you completely baffled. Good luck trying to maintain any semblance of stability in your relationships!

Cancer (June 21 – July 22):
Dear Cancer, this month you’ll be consumed by your emotions. And by consumed, I mean drowning in an ocean of your own tears. Your mood swings will be off the charts, making it impossible for anyone to keep up with your ever-changing state of mind. Your sensitivity will reach new levels of absurdity, causing you to take offense at the tiniest of slights. Buckle up for a month of unnecessary drama!

Leo (July 23 – August 22):
Oh Leo, your need for constant attention and validation will be met with disappointment this month. No one will be as interested in you as you think they should be. Your attempts to be the center of attention will fall flat, leaving you feeling unappreciated and overlooked. But hey, at least your ego will get a reality check!

Virgo (August 23 – September 22):
Dear Virgo, your perfectionism will be your downfall this month. No matter how hard you try, nothing will meet your impossibly high standards. Your critical nature will push people away, as they tire of constantly being scrutinized by you. Your anxiety will be at an all-time high, as you obsess over every tiny detail. Relax, Virgo, because perfection is just an illusion.

Libra (September 23 – October 22):
Oh Libra, your constant need for balance and harmony will be shattered this month. Chaos will reign supreme in your life, and there’s nothing you can do about it. Your desire to please everyone will leave you feeling exhausted and unfulfilled. Your inability to make decisions will be a source of frustration for those around you. Good luck finding any equilibrium in this crazy world!

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21):
Dear Scorpio, your suspicious nature will be your downfall this month. You’ll find yourself constantly questioning the motives of those around you, driving yourself and others crazy in the process. Your secretive behavior will only fuel the fire, as people grow tired of your mysterious ways. But hey, at least you’re good at keeping secrets, right?

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21):
Oh Sagittarius, your wanderlust will be met with disappointment this month. Your grand adventures will turn into grand disasters, leaving you longing for the comfort of home. Your inability to commit will lead to missed opportunities and fractured relationships. Enjoy your month of aimless drifting!

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19):
Dear Capricorn, your ambition will be met with frustration this month. No matter how hard you work, success will seem just out of reach. Your relentless pursuit of perfection will leave you feeling exhausted and unfulfilled. Your pessimistic outlook will be a real hit at parties. Keep reaching for the stars, Capricorn, even if they seem impossibly far away!

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18):
Oh Aquarius, your rebellious nature will be met with resistance this month. Your unique ideas will fall on deaf ears, as people struggle to understand your unconventional thinking. Your desire for independence will leave you feeling isolated and misunderstood. But hey, at least you can relish in your own misunderstood brilliance, right?

Pisces (February 19 – March 20):
Dear Pisces, your dreamy nature will be your downfall this month. Your head will be so far up in the clouds that reality will become a distant memory. Your inability to make decisions or take action will leave you feeling lost and unaccomplished. Your escapism will be at an all-time high, as you retreat into your own imaginary world. Snap out of it, Pisces, because life is waiting for you!